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every chopped episode ever

interquast:

  • 3 men, 1 woman set up
  • first dude: hey, im JOHN ROCKWELL, and im from BOSTON. *zooms in on him slicing up meat* im a BIG GUY so i always say GO BIG OR GO HOME. i work at a MEAT MARKET WHERE WE CUT UP SOME MEAT. i love me some meat! *sudden sad music* my dad, he uh… he was what inspired me most in the kitchen. i remember being a kid… and just watching him on the grill… he really inspired in me the love for cooking. *more sad music* *zooms in on the guy looking kinda sad* he passed away last year. i guess this is my way of kind of doing this for him. he is with me every day when im cutting up meats. he’s here with me today. *rock n roll music* THESE PEOPLE THINK THEY KNOW ME BECAUSE OF HOW I LOOK. THERE ARE MORE SURPRISES IN STORE! *dan anana nanananana*
  • second dude: hi, im tony lagforkgok and im from new york city. *funky jazz* i work at [italian restaurant] and i’ve served some of the greats. michael jordan… oprah… the list goes on. *more light jazz* i guess what really got me hooked was when my mom was cooking in the kitchen. she had authentic recipes and really knew her way around traditional italian cooking. *sad music* my mom… was just diagnosed with cancer. we’re all rooting for her. if i were to win this money i would pay for her treatment. *very sad music* i do everything for my mom. she’s everything to me. 
  • third dude: *quirky music* my name is gary polk and some people think im WEIRD. *cuts to him doing something weird* i really love to make people happy with things they wouldnt normally expect! *cuts to him putting cotton candy in a blender and laughing maniacally* my other passion is SKATEBOARDING. *him skateboarding* *quirky music* i think maybe people underestimate me because i’m a little out there… *maniacal laughter* but that is their biggest mistake!
  • the woman: hey IM JESS BROWN AND I AM NOT LIKE THE OTHER GIRLS. *ROCK N ROLL MUSIC* I AM TOUGH. SOME PEOPLE THINK BECAUSE I HAVE GREEN HAIR AND PIERCINGS AND TATTOOS, I SHOULDNT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. THAT ABSOLUTELY IS NOT TRUE. I AM THE EQUAL TO EVERY MAN AND BETTER THAN ANYONE HERE. I AM NOT TO BE UNDERESTIMATED BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN. YOU WILL NOT UNDERESTIMATE ME. I AM A BETTER CHEF THAN ANYONE. *ROCK N ROLL MUSIC* I’M GONNA WIN CHOPPED BECAUSE OF MY ROCK N ROLL ATTITUDE
  • the woman loses in the first round
  • scott conant cries about raw red onions
  • alex guarnaschelli serves up some prime “are you fucking kidding me” looks when the italian chef fucks up something italian
  • amanda freitag tries to say something mean but it comes off too nice and one of the chefs says “thanks!” and she’s like “no that wasn’t a compliment” and DUN DUN DUN music plays
  • someone sweats into their food and im like ???? is that ok???
  • someone forgets an ingredient and ultimately doesn’t go home because another chef undercooked the pork why does that always happen whats so fucking difficult about pork
  • the chef with experience in pastry cooking doesnt make it to the dessert round
  • THE PERSON YOU WANT TO WIN NEVER WINS
  • WHATS THE FUCK UP WITH THAT
  • i hate this show i love this show its everything to me

(via foodnetwork-fandom)

(via fuckyeahlizlemon)

can davids tea emails go fuck themselves

theonion:

Police Pleasantly Surprised To Learn Man They Shot Was Armed

(via afternoonsnoozebutton)

(via caralarm-bicycles)

cognitivedissonance:

After threats against her life, Anita Sarkeesian canceled an upcoming talk at Utah State University. Gamergate trolls are celebrating on Twitter while simultaneously dismissing the threats as nothing. Does this read like nothing to you?

“I will write my manifesto in her spilled blood, and you will all bear witness to what feminist lies and poison have done to the men of America.”

The email’s author threatened to murder feminist women indiscriminately in a mass shooting. And because carrying guns on campus outweigh the right of students and guests to be safe, Anita Sarkeesian canceled her talk.

BUT WE SHOULDN’T FEEL THREATENED, RIGHT?

BECAUSE IT’S JUST THE INTERNET, RIGHT?

The bullies won this time. And if you think this shit isn’t dangerous, I’m fresh out of fucks to give and I’m not restocking any time soon. It’s goddamn wrong to to dismiss this by claiming the author isn’t serious. Elliot Rodger’s rantings were dismissed until it was too late.

This. Is. Not. OK.

(via liamdryden)

the number of times i see the michelle obama vine is directly related to the quality of my dashboard. 

theonion:

Study Finds Mass Extinction Could Free Up Billions Of Dollars In Conservation Funding By 2024

(via afternoonsnoozebutton)

(via maroneys)

(via afternoonsnoozebutton)